Becoming Alice

As I sit here watching The Food Network (ie: porn) and listening to my husband play Call of Duty in the next room I can't help but contemplate how I got here. Here is 220 pounds. Here is thinking about food all day long. Here is wishing  I was comfortable drying off with something other than a beach towel.

When I was 18 and young (dumb), I didn't really have a clear vision of who I wanted to become. Even now, at 38, I vary between wanting to be a wine sipping wife whose house is immaculately decorated to wanting to be some kick-ass pseudo lesbian wearing tights and tennis shoes.

Perhaps I have a bit of an identity crisis.

However, I can tell you who I do not want to become and that is my mother. My mother is 78 years old and has been miserable for as long as I have been alive. She has always struggled with her weight and growing up I watched her do multiple rounds of Weight Watchers as well as the cantaloupe diet,  and any number of other diets that I can count.

This could very well explain my aversion to cantaloupes to this day.

Even though I am much closer to becoming who I really want to be, I feel that my weight is holding me back. It is the last thing that I have left to hide myself and now it's got to go.

I found out this week that I have hypertension- something both my mother and brother are on medication for and have been for years. My mom and my brother are both obese and have obvious aversions to exercise.

Now, I have to drop some of this baggage and get down to who I really am. I do NOT want to end up a miserable old fat lady who lugs around a bag full of pills. I want to become who I am supposed to be. Become Alice.

Tomorrow I begin. I decided that even though I break out in hives thinking about running around the block, I am going to begin the Couch to 5K program in the morning. I have downloaded an app to my phone that will help me and I have my headphones carefully laid out. My NPR podcasts have been downloaded and I am ready.

As ready as I'll ever be.